As I sit here on my mom's couch and wonder where to even start, my mind is flooded with the events of the past year of my life. It has been a whirlwind of highs and lows, of joys and struggles, a year with so many firsts, a year of learning what is truly important and what really just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
A year ago today I was in the final stages of planning our wedding, everything was crazy and chaotic, and I was loving every minute of it. If you had told me then what the next year of my life would look like, I never would have believed you...
If you had told me that we would have to have three roommates just to make ends meet, I wouldn't have believed you.
If you had told me that so many of our closest friends would move away, I wouldn't have believed you.
If you had told me that I would be 26 weeks pregnant, I wouldn't have believed you.
If you had told me how sick I would be and the struggles that Johnny and I would have to walk through to have this baby, I wouldn't have believed you.
If you had told me that this would be the most difficult year of my life so far, I wouldn't have believed you.
If you had told me that our future would be so up in the air, I wouldn't have believed you.
If you had told me that it was possible to love a baby this much before he is even born, I wouldn't have believed you.
If you had told me that all of the suffering and the pain was worth it for this baby, I wouldn't have believed you.
If you had told me that my relationship with the Lord would be in the most intimate place it has ever been, I wouldn't have believed you.
If you had told me that I would love my husband more every single day and that our marriage would be made stronger through this fire, I wouldn't have believed you.
Yet, it's all true.
This year was nothing like Jonathan or I had expected, but I am so tired of focusing on the hardships and the struggles. It is so easy to let suffering and fear take over your life and keep you from experiencing the joy that God intends for us to experience everyday. Don't get me wrong, my struggle with fear and panic is far from over, and it is a battle that I still fight everyday. However instead of spending my peaceful moments waiting for and fearing the next bad moment, I want to spend those peaceful moments giving thanks for the amazing memories I've been given and the future that God has for me and my husband and our baby boy.
Now, I know I can only speculate about what those future memories will look like, but one of my favorite memories of this past year is the night we found out I was pregnant. I think it's a story worth sharing...
Early in the wee morning hours of November, 26, 2008, we were packing to make a trip to Indiana for Thanksgiving. Well, I was packing, and Johnny, Austin and Heather were watching t.v. in the living room. I had been feeling pretty tired for a couple of weeks, and just not myself at all, however I had already taken a pregnancy test a couple of days earlier that came back negative so I was trying to convince myself that I was just tired from being on tour. But, as the night progressed, something kept telling me to take another pregnancy test. Call it women's intuition or wishful thinking, but whatever it was wouldn't stop nagging me. Lucky for me I had bought a three pack of pregnancy tests, just in case. Finally I convinced myself to take a test, just to be sure that I was sure I wasn't pregnant.
Famous last words.
I shoved a pregnancy test into my pocket and walked to the bathroom. Little did I know how much my life would change in that tiny, yellow bathroom. I took the test and waited the three minutes you're supposed to wait. Then I picked up the pregnancy test, fully expecting the easy to read display to say, NOT PREGNANT. But that little gray, and purple stick boldly proclaimed, PREGNANT. I swear to you, my heart stopped. I looked away, I looked back again, and then I laughed. To myself. In the tiny, yellow bathroom. Impossible.
Now, here's the part of the story where I wish I had waited a bit and figured out a wonderfully creative way to tell Johnny, but I believe that shock, mixed with shock, had robbed me of any creativity at all.
I went back to our bedroom, took a couple deep breaths, and then called for Johnny, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. I didn't want Heather or Austin to suspect anything yet. Johnny didn't want to come into the room, and I had to call a couple of times. He couldn't understand why I didn't just come out to the living room and talk to him. Finally he came into the bedroom, and I realized that I hadn't planned any further.
(The following conversation is not 100% accurate, but it is the conversation that happened as best as I can remember...)
Johnny: "What?"
Kelsey: (blank stare)
Johnny: "What is it?"
Kelsey: (nervous giggling) "I don't know how to tell you..."
Johnny: "Tell me what?"
Kelsey: (leaning on the bed for support) "I don't know..."
Johnny: "Kelsey! What?"
Kelsey: "Here." (handing Johnny the positive pregnancy test)
Johnny: (staring at the pregnancy test)
Kelsey: "Yeah."
Johnny: (staring at me)
Kelsey: "I'm pregnant."
Johnny: (staring at pregnancy test then staring at me) "Really?"
Kelsey: "I guess so."
Johnny and Kelsey: (sitting on the bed, staring intermittently at the pregnancy test and then each other)
Yep. That's about the extent of our intelligent conversation when we found out we were having this baby. Once the shock wore off, there was much excitement, and hugging, and picture taking, as well as me taking another pregnancy test, just to be sure.
That initial emotion is something that I cannot put into words. We were both incredibly excited about our baby, but that moment when you find out that it's really true, that you're going to be a parent, there are more emotions in your mind than you would think possible.
You're entire life changes in the blink of an eye.
Your heart swells and immediately falls in love with someone you've never even met.
Excitement and fear battle each other in your mind.
Your life suddenly has new purpose, and you've never felt more inadequate.
All of these things, and a million others, left Johnny and I laughing and hugging and staring at each other in disbelief.
For days.
And six positive pregnancy tests, and 26 weeks later, it's still a little hard to believe.
Every time I feel my baby boy move, I'm reminded that I am so blessed and that every hard moment is worth it because of this incredible gift that I am so undeserving of but so in love with.
We'll probably never think we're prepared enough.
We'll probably never think we deserve this amazing gift.
We'll probably never understand why God would entrust us with something as precious as another life.
But, I can promise you a couple of things.
Our baby may not have all the newest and nicest things, but he will know love, unconditional and intense love.
Our baby may have two young parents who are learning as we go, but he will be covered in prayer and kisses every single day.
Our baby will be cherished beyond words. Always.
And really, that's what it all comes down to, isn't it?
We will never feel completely prepared for our baby to come, I don't think any new parents ever feel completely prepared.
But we are ready.
We are ready to hold him. To love him. To make his happiness and well being our first priority. We are ready.
In fact, we can hardly wait.
This picture was taken minutes after I told Johnny I was pregnant. Notice that he can't quite smile yet. :)
Hooray!
Proud Daddy!!!
Me and the baby, about 24 weeks pregnant. He's a little bigger now...
Thank you all so much for your love and prayers! Keep checking back, we'll keep updating!
Kelsey
This is the current disarray that our room is in right now. Piles, piles, piles, EVERYWHERE!!!
Yep, just more of the chaos.
Here's Johnny looking guilty because he gave up on packing and is now playing video games, with his trusty sidekick, Lola, cuddling on his lap.
Lola is completely uninterested in this packing nonsense.
